Have a kiss at midnight...x

I lay in bed this morning, the clock ticking away to a respectable 7:30am as the darkened air of the bedroom began to fill with the chatter and life of 2 little girls and a yawning husband. The final day of 2011 is upon us and with the final opening of eyes this side of 2011, the prelude to the  turn of the year welcomed with it a wish-wash, dreamy haze of memories and wishes: all that has been and all that may be.

I am not one for resolutions, per se. The same things that I would scribble on my to-do and not-to-do lists which should traditionally define the skeleton of the looming year will be much the same as the things that I hope to accomplish every day...my desire to be a thoughtful friend, a true wife, a dedicated mother, an avid listener, a healthy body and full, rich soul are all simple, honest declarations of  that which I wish my character to be but which are characteristics that even for the best of us are a work in progress and, in my case, will span the decades of my life until I take my final breath. It takes a strong heart and sharp mind to tackle the obstacles that interrupt smooth running, it requires a sturdy grasp on that which is important over that which is monumental...I'm still trying...

..The flight of a soul to a higher place is a moment that can stop time for each and every one of us, envelop us in sorrow and guilt and relief and distrust. It has been in the lives of my family this year as it had the previous and it undoubtedly  stole a little piece of what we ultimately needed just to carry on: gratitude. How can you be grateful when your life is torn either to pieces or around the edges? Gratitude- the softened area of our existence that is nudging, calm, peripheral but should not be underestimated...if your wish-wash dreamy haze of 2011 points you towards edging each and every remaining second away in order to catalpult into a new year remember this: all that has been will follow you until you find a smudge of good in the whole picture. Look back and think...remember that morning in spring when sunlight poured through your drapes instead of a gloom of grey February. Remember that one time when you took a walk for a little longer than you intended and felt the vibrations of heightened energy fill your lungs? When somebody told you that you looked nbice when you had been traumatized all day about the state of your hair. And that instance when you felt that nothing could or would or should go right for you, that the weeks were getting longer and harder and there was just no way out of the mess. Until a little chink of light seeped in through the cracks, caught hold of your innate need for a better time, and started to inject into the outer edges of you, giving you a taste of what you needed: hope.

I am still in the haven of my home, still pondering how 2011 took away the souls of loved ones and gave me grief until I cried. I am also listening to a toddler, who has morphed from baby into chatterbox within 12 months and am paying heed to the language that only her and her sister seem to understand. Time does not revolve around ensuring that you make the most of it- it moves on as sure as the river reaches the sea and once a year, when we get the glorified opportunity to take a glance back over the many moon-changes of 12 months, it does at least provide a chance to remember one thing: you have come out the other side. Breathing, living, learning, laughing, crying...but here.

I'm not making a resolution but I will try this: to take a glance back through time a little more often than once a year and grasp at the 'ordinary' over the extraordinary. Not the deaths, not the births, not the winnings or losses...the breathing of sleeping children that I have had the fortune to hear every night and the kiss before bed that has never deserted me.

Have a kiss at midnight and bring in 2012 with the gratitude that it deserves- you'll reap rewards greater than any resolution will bring.

Merry New Year beautiful people, I love you all near and far :)))